I never trusted that Porky Pig.

New column up at FoxPolitics.net. The topic: swine flu, and why my sheep are gonna get eaten if this turns out to be the time there really is a wolf:

I’m unprepared. And I’m going to remain unprepared. Because I simply find it hard to believe.

We were all supposed to be dead already! If it wasn’t the bird flu, it was HIV. It was overpopulation, resulting in mass starvation. It was pollution, acid rain, the ozone layer. Trash piling up until there was noplace left to put it. Shark attacks. A new global ice age. Chronic Wasting Disease. Y2K. Nuclear annihilation.

Any or all of those could, I suppose, still be in the works. Could come to pass. You wouldn’t know it, maybe, since they’re not blaring out at us in three-inch headlines every day. They’re not breathlessly leading the nightly news anymore, followed by endless speculation on who will be “hardest hit.”

They’re not in the news anymore. Swine flu is.

And, naturally, I’ll feel pretty damn stupid – like the Dick Cheney doppleganger in “The Day After Tomorrow” – if I’ve been sitting here rolling my eyes and it really does turn out to be a pandemic. The ER nurses will treat me with ironic disgust – he didn’t believe it – when I show up barfing pork-flavored plegm.

And, well, I guess I’ll just run that risk.

Okay, I’ll wash my hands a little more. But that’s it.

Betcha this is the first time anybody’s ever written “barfing pork-flavored phlegm.” You know you gotta go read the whole thing!