Since I’m doing all this football blogging this weekend…

You know what position I’d least like to play? That is, if I had even a shred of the athleticism necessary to play in the NFL?

Punter.

Yeah, I know, the punter is an important defensive tool, forcing opposing teams to move the ball another 30-40 yards, average, hopefully, following an unsuccessful offensive possession than otherwise.

But, see, that’s the point. The punter comes onto the field after the offense has failed to move the ball. The whole point of your existence is failure. If it wasn’t for failure, they wouldn’t need you at all. The more successful your team, the less they need you.

Even compared to a kicker. At least a kicker gets the odd chance to score the game-winning points. Yes, that puts kickers in greater danger of being the goat. The guy who lost the game. Still.

I’ve always thought that, if I were an NFL kicker, I’d have to watch myself or else I’d be cheering against my own team once they get to the opposing 30 yard line. Game on the line, clock ticking down…incomplete pass! Fourth down!

And I’d be on the sidelines screaming: “Yes!”

And then, after I got out of the locker my larger teammates shoved me into following the game, I’d go on Jay Leno to explain why I was cheering for my offense not to get the first down. Not to get the ball any closer.

Because, see, if they score a touchdown, I don’t get to go out there and make the pressure kick. Win the game!

Do punters cheer for their teams to fail on third down? Do they hope for that rare chance to really pin the other team back? Even if they do, it just doesn’t have the same punch.

Not that I’d turn down the paycheck, mind you. In fact, my offer to any NFL team willing to draft me still stands.

But…just imagine coming home after the game, sitting down to dinner, the wife and kids wanting to know how your day was.

Oh, it was great, honey. Our offense couldn’t do a damned thing!