The science is settled, the consensus is clear: non-drinkers die younger than drinkers.

What have I been telling you people?

…a new paper in the journal Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research suggests that — for reasons that aren’t entirely clear — abstaining from alcohol does actually tend to increase one’s risk of dying even when you exclude former drinkers. The most shocking part? Abstainers’ mortality rates are higher than those of heavy drinkers.

Moderate drinkers:

Moderate drinking, which is defined as one to three drinks per day, is associated with the lowest mortality rates in alcohol studies.

And even heavy drinkers:

Even though heavy drinking is associated with higher risk for cirrhosis and several types of cancer (particularly cancers in the mouth and esophagus), heavy drinkers are less likely to die than people who have never drunk.

Please note that by “less likely to die,” the writer does not mean “less than 100%.” He means they’re more likely to live longer.

Unfortunately, I am unable to fully give this writer, John Cloud, the coveted TrogloDorsement, because of half-assed attempts at explanation for these seemingly counterintuitive results, like:

But why would abstaining from alcohol lead to a shorter life? It’s true that those who abstain from alcohol tend to be from lower socioeconomic classes, since drinking can be expensive.

First of all: horse hockey. Second: isn’t it also true that “lower socioeconomic classes” smoke more? Have you seen the price of cigarettes lately?

And:

One important reason (for alcohol’s long-life benefits) is that alcohol lubricates so many social interactions, and social interactions are vital for maintaining mental and physical health. As I pointed out last year, nondrinkers show greater signs of depression than those who allow themselves to join the party.

I prefer the Wildebeest theory. You know: predators pick off the weak and old Wildebeests, thus making the herd stronger as a whole. Moderate alcohol consumption, likewise, picks off the old, weak brain cells. Ditto liver cells, etcetera. Thus making the body, overall, stronger.

In related news, Homer Simpson called in sick to work today.

UPDATE - Bob Belvedere plans some follow-up research. We look forward to his results, although we hope he won’t be in the pictures.