No, I’m not going to buy a share of Packers stock.

No, I’m not going to buy a share of Packers stock.

As tempting as it is – and, no, I don’t care that it isn’t real stock; that it never appreciates (or depreciates); that any voting I’d get to do is so diluted as to be worthless. All that aside, I’d still buy me a share if I had nothing else to do with that money.

But I do. There’s just too many other ways I’d rather spend $275, dammit. For example.

So I won’t be joining the ranks of the shareholders this year.

And yet, a new inducement arises. Buried in the 12-page document that comes along with an application to purchase is this little gem:

The NFL Rules prohibit conduct by shareholders of NFL member clubs that is detrimental to the NFL, including [...] publicly criticizing any NFL member club or its management, employees.

Not just the Packers (like we’d criticize the undefeated defending Superbowl champions anyway), but any NFL member club or management or employees.

Hey, Cutler, you suck!

Oh. Oops.

If the Commissioner of the NFL (the “Commissioner”) decides that a shareholder of an NFL member club has been guilty of conduct detrimental to the welfare of the NFL then, among other things, the Commissioner has the authority to fine such shareholder in an amount not in excess of $500,000 and/or require such shareholder to sell his or her stock.

Oh, how I’d love to be the first holder of one share of Packers stock to get that letter from the league! Just think of the traffic!

In addition, if the Commissioner determines that a shareholder has bet on the outcome or score of any game played in the NFL, among other things, then the Commissioner may fine such shareholder in an amount not in excess of $5,000 and/or require such shareholder to sell his or her stock.

Well that makes sense, see, because as a stockholder, I’d have Coach McCarthy on my speed dial, and I could call him up even during the game to tell him to go for that 4th-and-15 from his own 12 yard line. Do it, McCarthy, dammit! Or it’s your job!

And then, when the Packers fail to cover, I collect. Ka-ching!