Look, I know you’re all pretty intimidated by us here in Wisconsin, but… cheeseheads? Scary?

According to this United States of Scary Things map, yes:

Aaaah! They’re wearing…cheese! On their heads!

Hell, we’re so scary that whoever drew this gave Ohio the credit for Jeffrey Dahmer. Because they were afraid of upsetting us!

Fine by me, of course. Ohio can have him. Couple things, though:

• Why “heights” for Arizona? There are heights there, but no more than any other place, really. Gila monsters, scorpions, and rattlesnakes, too. And it’s a dry heat. A really dry heat.

• Abraham Lincoln became a vampire, not a zombie. At least, according to that documentary I watched.

• Sugar Ray Leonard and Stephen Colbert are still alive.

Aren’t they?

• Isn’t Michael Moore from Michigan? How’d they miss that?

• “Drowning” is only more of a problem in Minnesota than in other places if you mean drowning in boredom.