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Pardoned turkey “euthanized;” circumstances mysterious, body “unavailable.”

November 22, 2012

A Thanksgiving mystery!

Peace, one of two turkeys pardoned by President Obama last year, was euthanized Monday, according to an official who insisted the timing of the death – days before the Thanksgiving holiday – was not suspicious.

Not suspicious. Right. And that pie that was in the fridge…nope, sorry, we’ve got no idea what happened to that, either.

Rebecca Aloisi, vice president for marketing at the Mount Vernon Estate, confirmed that Peace had died after a weekend “illness.” But Aloise knew neither the nature of the illness, the manner of death, nor what had been done with the remains of the large, edible bird.

Gee, what could possibly have happened to the remains of this large, edible, delicious bird mere days before Thanksgiving? I demand an investigation!

And by the way: if I’m ever elected president, this particular tradition is gone, gone, gone. I’ll walk out to the pardoning ceremony wearing a bib, and carrying a knife and fork. I’ll gesture forgivingly over the bird’s head with the words: “to the kitchen with her!”

And I’ll get a drumstick, because I’m the president.

2 Comments
  1. grayjohn permalink
    November 22, 2012 3:41 pm

    PETA is eating it. But they had sex with it first.

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