And the second-best beer in the world is… Michelob Ultra?
Here’s a little-known rule of marketing: if your product is advice, you must have credibility. If you don’t have credibility, why would anyone take your advice? And your credibility is only going to suffer from things like this:
Craft beers may be giving big brewers a run for their money, but the top-rated beers worldwide in terms of taste come from all over the map, according to…
…FindTheBest, which gathers and filters consumer and expert reviews from across the Web.
“FindTheBest.” The best. And according to “FindTheBest,” here’s the world’s ten best beers:
Oh, did you notice that? Second on the list? Michelob Ultra.
Lemme tell you something: any list of “best beers” that includes Michelob Ultra is, by definition, a blatant lie. Anyone who publishes or promotes a list of “best beers” that includes Michelob Ultra… y’know what? You might as well be a Democrat claiming to be “fixing health care.” Again. Because you’re just as believable. Same level of trust. Same level of objective plausibility.
True story: only once in my life have I purposely not finished drinking a beer that I opened. That beer – and I’m using the word “beer” loosely – was a Michelob Ultra. It tasted like stale puddle water. Not just dirty warm water, mind you, but stale water that sat festering between a hot sun and a low spot in the blacktop for several hours before somebody bottled it, put it in a fridge, and then served it to me.
You know why all the people in Michelob Ultra commercials are so skinny? They’re starving. The only sustenance they have is Michelob Ultra, and…no thanks, we’d rather waste away. In fact, look how much happier we are, wasting away instead of drinking Michelob Ultra!
Eat your vegetables, Junior, or you’ll have nothing to drink when you grow up but Michelob Ultra…no, wait, Junior! Stop! Leave some carrots for the rest of us!
Lord knows, I try not to be a snob about beer. I do enjoy various Miller products. I’ll drink Budweiser – even Bud Light – if it falls within the TrogloPolicy on Official Beers.*
But Michelob Ultra is an exception to that rule. Let it be known: not only will I not drink it, any attempt to give me one will be interpreted as an intentional insult to me, to my family, to the great beer-drinking state of Wisconsin, and to America itself. I wouldn’t use Michelob Ultra to wash urine and fly larvae out of my mouth.
Click the link, if you want. Watch the video, in which FindTheBest’s CEO does an excellent job avoiding any actual discussion of how they arrived at these results. Wonder, as I am, if their sample was made up mostly of non-beer-drinkers who really enjoy watching all those skinny, happy people on the Michelob Ultra commercials.
* The Official Beer of TrogloPundit: Whatever’s in Your Fridge.