In addition, all 5th graders will learn to sing “The Battle Hymn Of The Republic” or “Dixie” with equal enthusiasm, dependin’ upon present company

Every year, Appleton elementary schools put their 5th graders through “a day in the life” of a Civil War soldier.

It. Sounds. Awesome. They put the uniforms on, carry equipment, all kinds of stuff.

Oh, and they have a 20-minute mock battle. You know what happened next: somebody complained, and the school district cut that part. Then other parents complained about that, and the district reversed that decision:

APPLETON — Appleton elementary principals who met Thursday to reconsider whether to include a mock battle segment in a Civil War re-enactment experience for fifth-graders reversed their decision to drop the battle.

Naturally, some parents aren’t happy about the reversal.

“It would be at odds with values my children have been taught so far,” (parent Karen Koenig) said. “We work to teach our children peace all year and at the end of the year they take up realistic looking weapons and attempt to kill each other.”

Koenig said her concern is that children don’t come away from the experience thinking war is fun.

Naturally, my first instinct (yours, too, probably) is to mock Ms. Koenig’s achingly mockable quote. But wait: she’s got a point. War is hell, but we tend to play and portray it as exciting and glorious. Maybe we should be showing kids a little more of the actual realities.

To that end, I offer the following suggestions:

• Ensure that at least 20% of participating students come down with dysentery.

• Conduct random amputations – sure, that’ll be rotten for the students who have to lose limbs, but you can bet the lesson will sink in. Plus, that’ll be that many fewer potential recruits for the military.

• Plant radishes. If the students want lunch, let ’em dig.

I think we can all agree that these extra steps will ensure a far more realistic and educational experience for all.