The Pentagon’s pain ray? Pointless. The laser dazzler? Lousy. The anti-vehicle slippery foam? Washed out.
That’s the upshot of a highly critical report released last week by the U.S. Government Accountability Office and expounded upon by Wired News.
The report found that the Department of Defense’s Joint Non-Lethal Weapons Program (JNLWP) has spent $386 million since it was formed in 1996, and created exactly zero useful non-lethal weapons.
To quote a well-known non-lethal weapons expert: “It’s a psychofrakulator. It creates a cloud of radically-fluctuating free-deviant chaotrons which penetrate the synaptic relays. It’s concatenated with a synchronous transport switch that creates a virtual tributary. It’s focused onto a biobolic reflector and what happens is that hallucinations become reality and the brain is literally fried from within.”
The Shoveller: Watch it, Spleen, you’re going to kill someone with that thing!
Dr. Heller: Oh, no, no, no. All these weapons are completely non-lethal.
The Bowler: Wow. How wonderfully eccentric while simultaneously being a complete waste of our time. Good day, sir. I say good day.