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What’s the difference between the #Occupy “movement” and the Million Mustache March?

February 21, 2012

The Million Mustache March has demands:

At long last, the mustache lobby is coming to Washington.

The American Mustache Institute (AMI) is planning a “Million Mustache March” on the nation’s capital, part of an ongoing campaign to convince lawmakers to create government incentives to grow facial hair. Rally organizers plan to mobilize their mustache-wearing compatriots on April 1 at the White House and march to Capitol Hill.

Their rallying cry: Pass the “Stimulus To Allow Critical Hair Expenses,” or STACHE Act, which would “provide a $250 annual tax deduction for expenditures on mustache grooming supplies.” According to AMI research, mustached Americans earn 4.3 percent more money than “clean-shaven Americans” on average per year. Therefore incentivising mustache growth would boost the economy.

The subsidy, according to a 2010 proposal , would cover all products required for any proper mustache-wearing patriot, including:

  • Mustache and beard trimming instruments
  • Weightless conditioning agents and wax
  • Facial hair coloring products (for men and women over 43 years of age)
  • Bacon
  • Mustache combs and mirrors
  • Burt Reynolds wallet-sized photos

A little odd, maybe, since I tend to associate men who have facial hair with rugged individualism, and therefore the sort who would not ask the government for help. But what the hell. I’m sure it’s just a negotiating position.

UPDATE – further oddities:

  • They spelled “Incentivizing” in the British style;
  • They called it a “subsidy” when it’s clearly a highly specialized tax deduction;
  • Only a very specific subsection of the mustachioed would be interested in a wallet-sized photo of Burt Reynolds;
  • They neglected to mention beer, which calls into question their devotion to proper watering and fertilizing.

I’m starting to wonder if this is all just some kind of joke.

One Comment
  1. February 21, 2012 7:34 am

    As a member of the facially haired set — — I wonder where your priorities are when you don’t support subsidies for bacon. Maybe you can use bacon grease as mustache wax.

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