The widest read, most influential, most popular conservative columnist ever to emerge from Greater Metropolitan Baraboo, Wisconsin. East side. North of the river. Ever.
Hi. I’m Lance, and this is my blog.
The Best of Lance Burri
From 4/04 to 1/09 I wrote biweekly columns posted, for the most part, at a pseudonymous Blogger site which I’ve stopped using for a number of reasons (boredom being one).
Chosen through a brutally rigorous vetting process involving some of the Blogosphere’o’Cheese’s best minds, only the finest, ripest, most succulent of those nearly-five-years of columns were able to achieve that most lofty of titles: Best Of.
And here they are.
November 6, 2008
They said Obama would bring Hope, and they were right!
Maybe not: there isn’t a lot of doe-eyed hopefulness to be found among conservatives and Republicans these days.
And why not, I ask? Why not?
Two days after Election Day, and I find myself absolutely full of hope.
September 16, 2008
What the World Demands!
I have good news. No, not for Republicans. Not for conservatives, either. Those ugly cousins oughta be kept in the back bedroom and allowed to come out only after the decent company has left.
No. My good news is for a much more enlightened group: The Rest of the World!
Why are you hungry? Heck, I don’t know. Maybe you forgot your lunch. Maybe somebody stole it. Maybe your buddy skipped out on his turn to buy. Maybe the government soup line ran out of bread.
Your fault; somebody else’s fault; nobody’s fault. I dunno.
Does it matter? To your stomach, I mean? Are you any less hungry in one case than in another?
Some of us would say: yes. In one of those cases – the government soup line – your hunger isn’t nearly as bad. Because, you see, the government is providing the food. Therefore, eating is universal.
April 15, 2008
High taxes? Blame the Badgers.
Happy tax day! Don’t you wish it were Election Day, too?
Today has special meaning for us in Wisconsin. It’s a day to reflect on decades among the elite.
It’s not easy to stay in the top ten highest-taxed states as long as we have…read the rest
December 7, 2007
Shoot a Deer, Save the World!
Divorce sucks. Ask most any divorced person, and they’ll tell you.
And now we’ve got a whole new reason to think so: the divorced are bad for the environment! …read the rest
October 26, 2007
Three Hundred Forty-One Votes!
November 2, 2006. Election Day. All across Wisconsin, voters swarmed to the polls.
Most of them voted for Democrats. It’s well-established: 2006 was a banner year for the Democratic Party, and a disaster for Republicans. That was true nationally. It was true here in Wisconsin.
True, but not total. Once all the smoke had cleared, the dead and wounded carried from the field, prisoners exchanged and terms presented, Republicans still held the field – just barely – in one place. The State Assembly.
October 5, 2007
Leaving the Communist Paradise
I am a communist.
No use denying it. It’s the simple truth.
Oh, well, yes, I’m a capitalist at heart. I go shopping the day after Thanksgiving, every single year, just so I can smell the rampant consumerism all around me.
But there’s still no way around the fact that I live – voluntarily, happily, even enthusiastically – in a communist society…read the rest
September 4, 2007
Free Market Won’t “Fix” Health Care
In this corner: socialized medicine. Put the government in control, so nobody goes without.
And in this corner: the free market. Just get government out, and everything will be fine!
Defenders of the Democrats’ “Healthy Wisconsin” socialized health care “plan” like to tell us that both those statements apply: their health-care-for-all plan is free-market, and isn’t government control.
It limits health care provider profits by law to – at best – 8%, and gives control over prices to a government-appointed board. But it’s free market, and isn’t government control.
Right…read the rest
May 26, 2006
A Life of Ease
What if you could have anything you wanted? Right now, this minute, without cost?
Food, clothes, new countertops. Right this second, push a button, and there it is. Poof! Push it again, and get something else. From nowhere, a double bacon cheeseburger and curly fries. Diet soda, just so you don’t feel fat.
Yes, my fellow nerds, I’m talking about replicators. Star Trek style. Always ready to dispense a cup of tea, Earl Grey, hot; or coffee, double-strong double-sweet; or the Klingon version of whiskey. On command…read the rest
March 14, 2006
When Men Act Like Boys
I tend to agree: it’s not fair, in a schoolboy sort of way. Not fair, not fair, NOT FAIR.
A group called the National Center for Men (and I’ll be using that word loosely today) has filed a federal lawsuit, citing discrimination and a violation of the 14th Amendment.
Women, they complain, have choices about pregnancy that men don’t have…read the rest
April 11, 2006
My house has a door. We lock it when we leave, and when we go to bed.
In my whole life, no one has ever tried to enter my house without my (or my family’s) permission. Not that I know of, anyway.
Let’s say somebody did. Came right in, uninvited, started making a sandwich in my kitchen. Maybe did the dishes. Maybe told me he plans to stay, and he’ll pay me something for rent, help with the groceries, do some work around the house. He says he’ll generally stay out of the way.
I didn’t invite him, and don’t want him. But he’s being generally useful, and has nowhere else to go. Am I obliged to let him stay?
…read the rest
October 27, 2006
If I Eat Another Donut, the Terrorists Will Have Won
We, Americans, are fat. We, Americans, use too much gas.
Truisms, if not outright facts. And for the first time, they’ve been linked. One is at least partly a product of the other, according to this new study…read the rest
March 10, 2006
What it was…what it is…what it will be
It’s amazing how far we’ve come.
A true statement, if an incomplete one.
It’s always annoyed me a little bit, that phrase. The same goes for “time goes so fast.”
Sure it does, when you’re looking at it from the finished end. From here and now. Oh, the kids grow up so fast. Sure, now that they’re grown. But back when they were yelling and crying and spilling juice on your jacket and you couldn’t find a babysitter so you could have just one evening of adults – back then, you couldn’t wait for them to grow up and move out.
Or maybe that’s just me…read the rest
February 3, 2006
And the Democrats Cheered!
What were they cheering for?
What, exactly, was so wonderful?
It was one of two moments in President Bush’s State of the Union Address that really stood out. In the first, Bush admonished liberals and Democrats…read the rest
December 30, 2005
Partisanship for Fun and Profit!
ANAKIN: We need a system where the politicians sit down and discuss the problem, agree what’s in the best interests of all the people, and then do it.
PADMÉ: That is exactly what we do. The trouble is that people don’t always agree. In fact, they hardly ever do.
ANAKIN: Then they should be made to.
I’m a big fan of the adversarial process…read the rest
November 29, 2005
The Greatest Stunt on Earth
They’re not coming. I’m very disappointed.
In case you hadn’t heard, Governor Doyle issued a subpoena a few weeks ago, ordering big oil executives to come here this week and answer questions about their disgusting habit of making lots of money…read the rest
March 22, 2005
To Care, Or Not To Care
I don’t care.
Say that once or twice. Out loud. Like you mean it. I don’t care.
Liberating, isn’t it? Even when you’re not saying it about anything in particular. I don’t care. It’s one of my favorite phrases…read the rest
October 19, 2004
Blazing Saddles – A Parent’s Handbook
Funny where you can find life lessons, when you really need to. Even in a Mel Brooks flick.
Blazing Saddles is one of my favorite movies: in my top 10, if not my top 5. So you can imagine how excited I was to get the DVD for my birthday.
I wanted to watch it sometime when we could all sit down together – the kids, too. Sure, it’s vulgar, but hey, this is a comedy classic. Even Shakespeare talked about sex. Should I banish him from their reading lists? …read the rest
August 6, 2004
I love bumper stickers. In fact, if you ever look in your rear view, and see me right on your tail, odds are I’m trying to read whatever you’ve got stuck to the back of your car.
That’s the only reason I ever tailgate, I swear.
Political bumper stickers, I find especially fascinating. Working in Madison, you can guess what that means…read the rest
May 7, 2004
Was Blind, But Now Can See…The Mice
Actual humans may be worried about health care, but if you’re a blind owl, you’re covered. In Wisconsin, at least.
You may have heard the story. In December of last year (2003), someone found an owl, perched on a fence post, starving, because cataracts had blinded it, making it impossible for the owl to hunt for food.
An organization called Wildlife of Wisconsin brought the owl to Madison, where the UW Veterinary clinic performed surgery to remove the cataracts. They also placed specially-made lenses into the owl’s eyes, enabling it to see…read the rest